Part of me believes this, and then the other part of me wonders...how can one be committed if this is always in the back of their minds? That was the question pounded into my brain by the one who wanted total submission. So I let go of the Plan B and lost everything. I don't know what lies ahead, but the fear about that is now my enemy. I don't fear dying, but there are many varied ways of a long descent to death. It makes other options way too attractive when the fear takes over. I don't have a child that needs me to keep me going, day in day out, I can't externalize the reason for living. It has to be for me. I have to want it so badly that no other path is possible. That's what's dead. I don't want anything anymore. It's fear based...you want something and think you have it and then it's gone. So to not feel the fear or the pain of loss, you just cease to want. I know what's going on. It's the absence of routine, the lack of any sort of control, the dependence on others ...all I ever wanted was to be of use, to be needed, to be important to someone, and what I've found is that is an illusion. All I have ever had was me. Now I lay that last weapon of self-deception aside and it's scary as hell. I don't want to just exist, and I know I will survive no matter what happens..so that means that somewhere deep inside, I do WANT a life. All it takes for self-preservation to kick in is to be truly threatened with an absolute end. Out of that comes this strange sort of defiance. Is all that really keeps me from giving up is that someone else wins? Wins what exactly? That seems to be the only thing I don't know for sure and the only thing that really depends on me. So this question, and the curiosity about the answer, is what I have. Guess I'll have to work with that.
I am a Maker. That is…I make things. From raw materials, I create jewelry, yarn, candles, herbal oils and lotions and incense ..stuff like that. And I care that what I create is made with attention to both quality of workmanship as well as materials. A LOT of materials available at ‘Craft Stores’ these days does NOT meet my standards for application. Yeah, you smell a rant ahead, so go get the popcorn and something to drink
I am consistently disappointed that so many craft stores in the US are sacrificing quality for a cheap price. For instance, I had an hour to kill before work today and spent it walking around JoAnn Fabric and Craft Store™ next to where I work. I have never be so disappointed as I was today. Now, I KNOW that I am a fiber snob…I wasn’t expecting to go in there and find exotic yarns or roving fiber for spinning. I know better. But good gobbledegook I could not believe the fabric! You can SEE through the QUILTING Fabric!!! I could, I shit you not, literally see my fingers through the fabric. And I’m supposed to use this to craft an heirloom quality quilt to sell or pass down to my family? NO effing WAY! There are quite lovely designs but the fabric quality is so shoddy I won’t waste my money. They carry a full line of quilting tools and notions (Fons and Porter™, Fiskars™, Olfa™, Dritz™, etc.) - all the good name brands, but their fabric SUCKS. You could no more use good quality thread with that fabric than sew up the innards of sailor with scurvy!!! The thread would cut right through that crap, believe me! Please patronize the GOOD fabric sources like Moda Fabrics™, Benartex™, Hoffman Fabrics™, Andover Fabrics™ and Robert Kaufman Fabrics™.
So I moved on to the jewelry selections. I buy glass beads sometimes, if they are heavy and good quality and most of their glass works find. But the problem I had was finding earing wires I would use. I am allergic to nickel and nickel based metals or plate. Zinc is fine but nickel is right out. I found packages of wires that were CLEARLY NOT gold or silver, but marked as though they were. Literally silver or argent. And Gold or oro. No matter what language you put it in …it was a bald-faced LIE!!! It was some brand I never heard of so I’m not really worried, I will stick to Fire Mountain Gems™ thank you very much!
And then I went back to the candle wares. Clearly they are catering to the grab it and go folks because there were exactly ONE wax pouring pitcher and TWO pillar candle molds of such poor quality, they didn’t sit straight on a level shelf. Would YOU buy candles that were set up sideways? I think not! I’m not gonna make ‘em that way either! No scent oils, no wax of any kind and no wicking. What the hell did they even HAVE candle molds for? I mean, really! For shame Jo-Anns! For SHAME!!
Clearly the buyers at Jo-Ann Fabric and Craft Stores™ are not out to cater to anyone who cares about quality. Cheap plastics and metals from China and god only knows where that fabric was milled..but it looks like cheap is the order of the day…until you go to pay them. Lordy they are proud of their cheap crap. Sorry, you will NOT be getting any of my money in the future I don’t care how desperate I am for materials. Let Jo-Ann Fabric and Craft Stores join Hobby Lobby on my ‘Do Not Shop List”. I let them know on their Facebook page. Reckon how long it’ll take before they take it down? Well, regardless, you have been warned!
A whole buttload of things have happened and not happened and should have happened and some will resolve and some won't. A fucking LOT. This is a test post to see what kind of readership is still on LJ before I switch to something like Wordpress.
Who is out there>? Represent.
In taking a moment to review the year just passed, marked by Mother’s Day, I didn’t know that last year would be my last as a stepmother, last as a wife, last as a life partner, last as anything other than myself. I gave and it was not enough, some would say I gave too much, and they would be right. Others would never be satisfied, and I am learning that I never should have made their goals my own to begin with, and so the responsibility for the pain I found myself in is, in large part, my own.
In that glaring, unflinchingly brutal light of realization, I found new tools. Tools of both protection and vulnerability. I am remembering how to extend myself without expectations. Remembering that love doesn’t require reciprocation to be what it is…pure. It’s when you attach the expectations of give and receive, the EXPECTATION of reciprocity, that you start off on a path of pain.
I thought that if I entered into a relationship that I wanted to last, that if I released all expectations, that I would never be disappointed. I thought that giving what was asked without expecting it in return was the way to go. The truth of the matter is that the ‘way to go’ is a much finer point to examine, a much rougher path to trod than one would think. I thought that removing the need for lies, would beget honesty. And while that might have been a fertile field for someone else to learn about themselves and to come face to face with the reality that you can’t always control where life leads, it was also a place of barren, deserted emotional landscape where I found myself bereft of everything I thought I had built, without the support and love I had spent so much time in investment, and found there was nothing left for me to rely on but myself. And in the mirror, looking back at me were all the expectations of reciprocity that I thought I had left behind. Check mate, as it were.
Moving a thousand miles from anyone you know well or love is a tough thing to do for someone who is very rooted in being part of a family, part of a group with a common goal, part of a group mind. And though I had done something similar before, with success for a time, it was how that experience ended that made me super cautious now. Establishing new connections was not something I found I could do immediately. I found old PTSD symptoms reared up to remind me that shadow work is never done. Nightmares, uncontrollable crying, paranoia in unfamiliar situations, claustrophobia, and general mistrust of everyone, all became the order of the day. The barely contained paranoia had manifested into full blown crisis of identity. Abandonment issues demanded I deal with them. There is nothing that feeds abandonment issues quite like being found wanting in just about every area of one’s life. And to have someone else’s interpretation of the meaning of my own words spread like it was truth became part of that nightmare too. It took all that being revisited upon me to make me aware that I had been dealing with someone else’s PTSD for quite some time. Living in an abusive relationship felt familiar, and after a while, like home. While similar situations to those that trigger us can help us learn valuable coping skills, they can also activate the ‘people pleasing problem solver’. And that’s what happened to me. Trauma bonding at its finest. Every crisis became a situation to become what I thought was stronger. In reality, all that happened was that I became further mired in my own delusions of co-dependency. Being needed by someone you need is nice. Where’s the problem? Look up the definition of co-dependency and you may be facing a truth you don’t want to see if you are such a person. Living with a narcissist, subjugating your needs to theirs and literally making your life over to please them is the road to madness. No matter how badly you want a partner in life, subjugating who you are as a person, pretending you don’t have important needs, always reaching for ‘someday when...’ is NOT the road to happiness. In fact, it’s the opposite. And it doesn’t do the narcissist any favors either. It allows them to continue to use people and situations and manipulate others into serving their needs as well. Narcissists are parasites. Co-dependents are drawn to them like magnets. It’s almost an uncontrollable urge to follow a siren song of demise of your personal goals in life. I know. I am one. I have been one all my life. I am the dreaded ‘people pleaser’ the one who will sacrifice anything, even myself, while enabling those I love to succeed. I do it by choice. How screwed up is that? When is it my turn?
In my last relationship I became the very worst of the co-dependent. Someone who, having lost their means of self-financial support, became dependent on the narcissist by sufferance - An ‘Inverted Narcissist”. Oh dear gods! The “Martyr” - who can’t help crying because they are in so much pain. Blah Blah Blah, you know the drill. Try to replace the love and affection you’ve lost with ‘support’ from friends, in some cases strangers. To be honest, I would not have survived – literally – without my friends. These are friends that I would not even know had I not been in the relationship that chewed me up and spit me out. So right there was the first place, the first pause for appreciation. Not only do I have some of the best friends a girl could ask for, they are also some of the best people in the world, and I’m not just saying that because they’re my friends, they really ARE good, genuine people. I really don’t know how I would have wound up if the friends had disappeared just because the relationship fell apart. It could have gone that way. I left my home community, my family and friends, to move to another, to be with someone, to make a life, to make their goals my own and mine theirs. Only part of that worked out. I heard “Just hold on baby, for a little longer, we’ll go wherever in the world you need to so you can have your dream too.” And the kicker was, “All you have ever wanted was someone to keep their word, do what they said they would do, and take care of you like you take care of everyone else. I’m that guy.” “I love you more than I’ve ever loved anyone. I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with you.” “I couldn’t ask for a better companion on the journey.” “Just hold on baby, we’re going to Europe! You will be an herbalist, you just wait!” Never let someone use your dreams as a carrot to keep you in a situation that bleeds you dry. It’s hard to see sometimes. And even when you do, it’s even harder to extricate yourself. Loving isn’t wrong. Subjugation for the sake of love isn’t wrong until it becomes sacrifice for the expectation of payoff. If you do something ONLY because it’s a means to an end, that’s your first mistake. If I hadn’t loved to the very depths of my soul, it would not have been worth what it took. And I can’t really say if I am ashamed to admit that I would do it all again in a heartbeat – just for the chance.
Well. The joke, cruel as it was, was definitely on me. I left home and family for what I thought was my destiny. I still can’t quite believe that it was all an illusion. The Magician was that good. I was that stupid too. I had some of the best years of my life. I met some of the best people to know. I also gained children. I know I was loved by them. That, more than anything else, helps me look on that time of pain and anguish with gratitude. It would not have hurt so badly if what it destroyed had not been so good. That’s not to say I don’t talk to those children, those friends. I do, sometimes daily. They are part of my life in a way that relationship that put them in my life never was. Those relationships were based on MY choice, MY honesty, MY choice to love, MY choice to give of myself. The rewards are rich. I may not ever have much money, but my goodness I’ve been rich. I still am. This is just one of many pauses, many stops along the way I can make now to look back through tears of pain and see the memories that really were the reason for everything else. Every moment of happiness I derived, I know that I earned. And it might be a mean thing to say, but knowing that someone else now enjoys the fruits of my sacrifice at the future expense of their own goals makes me smile. It’s hard to feel charitable to thieves. In this case though, it’s like a purse snatcher who just took a purse when the owner was holding the wallet with all the cash in it in the other hand. That person stole a shell. I still have the substance. That helps me have a little sympathy for that person when, in years ahead, they will be the one constantly trying to make up for being ‘too much’, for being more than ‘just a woman’, for making someone else’s mediocrity look good in spite of their passive aggressive attempts to derail all her plans. They will be the one constantly trying to balance the spotlight so that when it shines on them, they must take care that enough spills onto the mediocre one so they don’t feel left out. Egos are strange things. They can impel us to great accomplishment, but the frustrated ego of a mediocre partner will sow the seeds of self-doubt, will make you question your gut – the one thing a Witch can’t afford to second guess ever. I allowed that into my life and I have paid the price. I will probably pay for quite some time to come. If I were a vengeful person, I’d enjoy the idea that what goes around comes around – wait – who am I kidding – I enjoy the idea that all is not what it seems in paradise, that I know this beyond the shadow of a doubt. It doesn’t quite give me pleasure, but it does help me go on, it helps me remember I am free now and nothing could make me go backwards to that. Doesn’t mean I can choose any better, when it comes to relationships. And it doesn’t mean I can’t fall in love again, in fact, that’s already happened. And while I don’t know what the long term results of this involvement will be, I do know that while I might not ever ‘get over’ what happened to me, I’m not dead, I can still extend love, but it will be a long time before I believe in anything with anyone that much, maybe never. So I will enjoy what I have, to the fullest. I will be present in every moment, without looking ‘down the road’. The only expectations I will have will be of myself. Not FOR myself, but OF myself. It all depends on ME. I am enough, I always have been. Even though I lost sight of it for a good many years, that knowledge could only be buried, never stolen. It can sometimes be hidden even when forcefully exposed, the flipside of that coin being self-doubt. Luckily, life is all about self-discovery. Learning to cope, navigate, and in some cases withstand the perils of the pursuit of love and happiness. One is a matter of luck; the other is a matter of choice. I’m remembering what choices are mine to make and that luck…is best prepared for instead of sought. Call me prepared and eager to embrace experience. Here’s hoping I can do it with the right frame of mind to keep from falling into old habits.
All this crap about the Fox New segment that ‘pokes fun’ or just generally displays total ignorance about Wicca and Paganism, has me just shaking my head. In what world does getting them to issue an apology actually change anything? It’s not like you change THEIR minds. Those people, in spite of what they say, are NOT journalists; they’re not even really very educated. There is absolutely no point in trying to insert logic into the minds of people who make a living off of deliberately misunderstanding our path, our beliefs and anything to do with our lives as Pagans.
You can see the spot and some of the various and sundry reactions from the Pagan community here:http://wildhunt.org/2013/02/pagan-community-responds-to-inflammatory-fox-news-comments.html
The problem with this spot is twofold. First, it’s just plain crappy journalism. Those people would not know the proper method of critical examination of facts if those facts were to crawl up their butts and leave calling cards. There is not one single thing to be done about ignorance at that level because it’s willful, irreparable, and has very little to distinguish it from outright stupidity.
Second, we, the members of the Pagan community haven’t done such a hot job of representing ourselves. Most of the fun they poke at us would not be available if we did not provide it for their mocking pleasure. Case in point:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=inibGFQE0JU&feature=endscreen&NR=1
This is several years old of course, but the disturbing thing about it is that the ‘star witch’ and believe me I use that term loosely, has gone on to become the “Archpriestess” of a long time Wiccan Church. I will leave you to find your way to that site if you are really interested. But the fact remains is that anything Fox News can do to make fun of us pales in comparison to what members of the pagan community do to Pagans on a regular basis.
Let’s just take a look at a few things in the Reality TV Episode of "Wife Swap" starring the aforementioned “Arch priestess” (what the hell IS an arch priestess anyway? Wicca does not recognize the term. Eclectic Wicca on the other hand has a host of Christian derived terms to trot out anytime the media spotlight focuses on one of us.) First in the laundry list of damages to Wiccan and Pagan credibility is the pandering to stereotypical “Witchcraft” paraphernalia being prominently featured.
In this case, the very first thing you notice is a steaming Cauldron. While no doubt many Witches use cauldrons and they very often probably steam in just the same manner featured…it’s not something that should be trotted out for all and sundry to see. Add to that, it just looks stupid paired with the really cheesy music selected to enhance this sequence.
The second thing you notice is the whole damn family of wanna blessedbees standing out front of their home and blowing into their hands giving the film editors the footage needed to create a picture of them blowing Fairy Dust. Then there is the cheap candle trick which is included I guess to prove they are REAL Witches. Pardon me while I giggle.
The two youngest children attend public school. However the oldest is home schooled because she ‘is a free spirit’; and because she’s being trained to be a Witch. I cannot find words to express the depth of horror at the idea of not only a child being home schooled in such a way, but the idea of a child being taught the arts of magick before they understand the role emotional maturity plays in its use. It’s child abuse. It’s no better than drilling bible verses into kids in Sunday School. Corrupting the mind of a child is an act that cannot be undone. The child will most likely need years of therapy to understand that she is not to blame for the ridicule that will undoubtedly visit her for much of her life. Being featured on a reality show as a child is bad enough (I have no respect for any of them, including the Gosselins) but one that is focused on the more sensational aspects of supposed Witchcraft beliefs…poor kid. My heart just wrings for her.
Then, as the ‘star Witch’ leaves in a limo, she yells out the window in true trailer trash fashion:
“No bad magick on the new mom!” Really? It’s too bad they didn’t do some” bad magik” on you when you decided to feature them on national television as moneymakers before their age of consent.
The next incongruous statement is truly unbelievable: “I control all of your money.”
I have no words. What? Yo bitch, if you can take it you can control it. Otherwise, unless you earn it, you have no right to it. Oh my gawd there is not enough bullshit in the world to attach to that statement. The enforced slavery of her husband (estranged husband at the time of filming btw) in addition to his full time job is just…again, I have no words for the inequality and abuse. Horrible doesn’t cover it. When you choose to subjugate yourself to the authority of someone else…at least make sure that person actually deserves it. This woman is so completely devoid of anything worthy of the term ‘goddess’ that I shudder to think what she demands of her slaves now that she flaunts the title ‘Arch priestess’.
There are several shots of the outside of the family home featuring - a skull and cross bones flag? Really? The tackiness just keeps coming.
And then we get to the REAL problem as far as I am concerned:
“This is my wand, you just wave it and you talk to the fairies.”
Say what? That’s what you call using a magick wand? Really? That’s all you got? Well bippity boppity boo! Hope that works for ya. It doesn’t LOOK like you could wave your way out of a wet paper bag. The idea that THIS is what YOU, a purported REAL Witch has to say about doing magick is just…listen I’m rarely speechless, but honey you’re holding the record for how many times I’ve been rendered speechless in a hour’s time.
And then they address their version of Astral Travel…
“I’ve been to Mercury. Mercury is a very LOUD place. Kind of sounds like a fax machine.” and then later....
“Mars is the red planet.”
Holy shit. Really? Again, I have no words.
Then when the ‘new mom’ arrives, the first thing she says is:
“I don’t know how they live in all this filth”
Cut to nasty laundry and cockroaches. Hey they couldn’t use it if it wasn’t there. You did that to yourself woman. And we wonder where Fox News gets it’s ideas. Too bad they didn't get any footage of the 'house elf' NOT doing its job of cleaning. If you're capable of creating a 'house elf' to do your cleaning..you suck at it.
Then the new mom is reading from the household rules book:
“When we disagree, watch out. Fire shoots out from our finger tips…” Again…really? Just…wow.
“I am the earthly embodiment of the goddess because I am a woman.” And don’t forget that ALL of the
Wiccan High Priestesses always wear tinkerbell/elf shoes….NOT!!!! Please, girl, get yourself a stylist. And that tattoo on your forehead? Really? Just makes you look stupid. Really.
And then miss Witch Queen of the Universe utters the words:
“I felt like Cinderella all day. I come from a land where I am Queen and I have been put in all this drudgery.”
But you are being well paid for this drudgery dear. And it’s only for a week. Suck it up. Priestesses and Witch Queens do NOT whine….seriously.
Cleaning glassware is the way to break her down. This powerful goddess shudders and cries at the idea that she can’t get the glasses clean enough. Judging from the way she allowed her life to be presented, it’s probably the first time she’s ever actually cleaned anything. Surely there must be a learning curve…?
The new mom gets an ear full from one of the kids. In the world of Wicca, apparently all the children’s delusions are supported as real. She’s “really been to China and saw this big dragon with people in it.”
Good points about devaluing women, the other household is just as bad in some ways. Both sets of kids have been damaged, perhaps beyond repair.
Removing the signs of Wicca and the coven no longer being welcome was a bit overboard….but then you can’t expect non spiritual people to ‘get’ how much being Wiccan means in every day life. Not that this in any way resembles Wicca. Freakshow maybe. Wicca, most certainly not. Yeah, I’m a judgmental bitch..sue me. I call it like I see it and there’s a boatload of stupidity to remove from that household and Wicca has absolutely NOTHING to do with it.
The results opened the eyes of everyone about something, even if it was just something small like having dinner together or the other lady's husband realizing how demoralizing his expectations were. The lessons the parents learned about their children were valuable as well. I think that was the important idea behind choosing two families that were both so extreme. Doesn’t justify using Wicca as a vehicle for ratings though. Add to that the other lady's comments about rating herself lower than the family dog....you can't make this shit up.
Apparently I am not the only one who had these sorts of thoughts. This is just one of the blogs I ran across when I discovered this sacrilege:http://solitaryeclecticwicca.blogspot.com/2009/11/wife-swap-wiccan-high-priestess-vs-iowa.html
There was so much more that I could have used. But I really got tired of wasting so much time sifting through all the stuff trying to find something that DIDN’T say this woman and her idea of Wicca was so full of shit we should all be ashamed for letting HER get away with misrepresenting Wicca.
Fox News is the least of our worries, people.
- Tags:choices, frauds, idiots, kids, liars, pagan leadership, paganism, rants, really stupid people, ridiculous shit, spirituality, stupid people, twits, unfuckingbelievable, weirdness
- Music:"Rootless" S.J. Tucker
Been awhile. Holiday décor necessitated all my sewing/quilting stuff be crammed into the closet upstairs to make room for the tree and the various other stuffs that accompany decorating for the season. I missed it. Bad. Now the holiday décor has been trunked and dragged back up to the attic for the year.
Due to a recent mistake, I am kind of dead in the water on the route I was going to take in completing a current project for a friend. I learned a lesson, the details of which are my business. Let’s just say it was an expensive one that I won’t make again any time soon. Hopefully I will be able to rectify this mistake and get to the business of ACTUAL quilting soon.
Sewing machine being upstairs and recent cold weather rendering my hips unequal to the challenge of said stairs without a great deal of pain, thereby taking all the fun out of the process, I have decided to try hand piecing. HARD. It took me all dayum day to do ONE block! Definitely not going to be a speed demon about this process that’s for sure.
For record keeping purposes, this is an ‘Unnamed Quilt Project’, heretofore referred to as UQP#1. I am using the Chateau Rouge line of fabrics by French General for Moda Fabrics. Sounds snotty and expensive doesn’t it? It is. But OMG the fabrics are to DIE for and speak to me like nothing else has yet. Apparently the fabric designers stayed in an old Chateau in France that had these wardrobes filled with antique French textiles. They were the inspiration for this line of fabrics that I instantly fell in love with.
So. After much arguing and gnashing of teeth and a few more furtive fabric orders in the near future, I’ve started on this project. I have barely been able to keep my hands from petting it…actually I’ve kept it in a box in our bedroom so I could pet it periodically while I was collecting enough to be able to start it. The fabrics went fast, so it may end up only being a lap quilt instead of on a bed somewhere.
Here are the fabrics, their descriptions and other info. I DID warn you that I’d be documenting every single thing I do. Wish I had done this for the different Hoffman 1859 Spearmint batiks I used for “Beauty of the Green Earth” but hey, I’m learning as I go here. Still, there won’t be a problem for anyone dating my work when I’m gone. I didn’t know that each fabric has a name. Makes sense though…I name my jewelry pieces…so I ‘get’ that.
The fabric line has five base colors. Red Roche, Pearl, Mustard, Faded Red, and Stone with the following patterns in the order they appear below: Renoud, Nanette, Sylvie, Flatetta, Soleil , Toussant, Laurette, Chatelaine, Beaumont and Vignette, each appearing in four of the five colors.
I think the Beaumont, Chatelain, and Flatetta are my favorites. Laurette and Sylvie are really nice as well. Not crazy about the medallion print Soleil, but the small patterns are nice too.
Here is my first hand pieced block using this fabric line:
Close up of the stitches:
Can you tell I REALLY REALLY need a manicure?? Heh, you should see my feet! First thing to go when money is tight is all the extra money spent on ‘personal hygeine’. Have you seen the price of razors lately? GAWDS!!!
Here are some pics of the blocks I have planned so far:
Anyway, next week I’ll get the sewing machine back downstairs and go to work finishing up the project for my friend – you know, the one with the flannel shirts? She finally found the khaki pants she wanted for the border. I’m kinda excited to see how it all turns out.
I am participating in the Creative Pay it Forward this year. Here are my first two. I used Waterfall by Lyon Homespun yarn:
I knitted an Infinity Cowl for my sister Kay:
It's just garter stitched for 55 inches then twisted and joined, not difficult. But it's a pretty versatile piece. Here you can see it can be a scarf/hood combo.
Like I said, garter stitch...not hard at all. Fast too.
And a skinny scarf with a fringe for my 'niece'. (actually she's my granddaughter)
I think I'm going to see if I can find some irridescent sequins to sewn to the ribs I made on the ends, maybe on the line above the fringe as well...just for some "shiny". Twelve year olds like 'shiny'.
And I've just finished another cowl for my daughter that I don't have pics of yet. There will be a hat and a facial scrubbie or two coming up as I complete my 'Creative Pay it Foward'. A nod to the Cap'n bodhifox
for the idea.
When we see children playing, shrieking with joy, we smile. We see ourselves, younger, with our whole lives ahead of us, mostly untouched by evil and hardship. When we hug a child, we accept and reciprocate unconditional love at its purest.
When we see violence, we recoil from it. We do this BECAUSE somewhere in our minds and hearts we cannot reconcile it with the memories of the innocence of children, the place where we all start. We are all children once. We are all innocent once. We are all fresh and new once. We all can go to the place where we remember being little, being a child, being innocent. We can all remember being free…and we smile. That is how we cope with seeing insurmountable horror. It is how we begin to heal.
So when the violence visits upon the very stuff our innocence was made of, when bullets tear through the soft, tender bodies of children who are the very embodiment of love on earth, we are understandably poleaxed by stunned disbelief because we all know we were children once, that we were innocent, that we viewed the world with wonder instead of cynicism.
Our world does not value innocence anymore. Our world does not value to commitment to mold and shape the minds of the innocent children in their care. Our world has divorced itself from what is important, and joined itself to a heinous definition of ‘fun’, and a detached means of marking death as a ‘kill’. What does this say about our humanity? Nothing good.
There is now an area of sacred ground in Newtown, CT. Sacred ground steeped in the blood of innocence, in the blood of valor, in the blood of honor. This area will forever be marked by these events, by the memories made and the lives lost, and the unspeakable horror suffered both by the victims themselves and the first responders whose job it was to somehow properly treat the carnage they saw as the children and heroic adults they were. Death by violence is messy. It is visceral, its odor taints the air, its energy permeates the atmosphere around it. It is not conducive to logical thinking for a normal person. First responders are thought to be normal people. I put forth that they are something more. They have to be in order to be able to see what they do and still be functioning humans. They have to be to still be humans with functioning emotional empathy for parents who have lost their babies, husbands who have lost their wives and a town who has lost its small town innocence.
So the first to walk in the Garden of Angels were the first responders there to care for their remains, there to gather their little bodies up and take them to be made presentable for their parents and husbands and children to even be able to see. There to see the ground made sacred with the wash of innocent blood.
But there is something far more sinister going about this and other events like it. Mass shootings have become the 21 first century equivalent of the cold war ‘heart attack’. I’m no conspiracy theorists but there are too many holes in this story; too much that made it out before it was silenced. There is more going on here than meets the eye. What sickens me is that this Garden of Angels may have been planted as a persuasion/blackmail technique. The information is out there if you look for it. Don’t dismiss things just because they aren’t ‘sourced. What I found was sources by AP before it wasn’t anymore. The details I refer to were broadcast on CNN in the beginning yet have not been mentioned since.
What am I talking about? Isn’t it enough that murdered kindergartners were the price? What more do you need? If you need more, look. It’s not hard to find because those who know the truth don’t believe these leaks to be a threat because they don’t think anyone will believe them. They think this entire weekend the entire country has been watching a memorial service instead of focusing on facts. Well not all of us have done that. Not all of us believe this was the act of a mentally ill young man. Not all of us. If anything ever happens to me it will be because I didn’t keep my mouth shut. Already strange things are happening to my computer. I do not fear dying…I do not fear death. I don’t even fear the suffering of those I love if it is done specifically to agitate me or make me cooperative. So what are they gonna do? We’ll see. Because I am not going to shut up.
Look for the connections between LIBOR and these events. You. Will. Be. Shocked. Or maybe not. I wasn’t. Angry yes. Surprised…no.
From now on when I see children playing, shrieking with joy, I will smile, but I will also remember. Someone thought innocence was a suitable sacrifice. People of my belief system are often thought to do such things. To use the blood of innocents to achieve our goals. It would appear that the ones who perpetrated these crimes are the Devil many seek. The Christian’s Bible says “for the love of money is the root of all evil.” Well, it’s not the first time I’ve found something applicable in that book. I just wish this time it was a fairytale.
This Garden of Angels was planted to persuade people to say certain things. The theater in Colorado was also planted in a similar manner. Innocent blood. I don’t believe I am mistaken anymore. I saw the holes in the story covered up – I saw them disappear, only this time, I was paying more attention.
I hope the world as we know it DOES end on 12/21/12. I hope the world that has war, greed, hatred, injustice, bigotry and oppression DIES a speedy, complete death and when we greet the Light of the New Day, we greet a world where PEOPLE matter, not wealth, not oil, not politics, but PEOPLE, their dreams, their hard work matter.
I hope the world gives birth to itself, a world where NO ONE CARES if you love someone of the same sex, where NO ONE is forced to hide their beliefs in subjugation to Christian privilege, where people tell the truth, no matter who it offends, where people refuse to allow lies to go unchallenged; a world where to steal from others is to kill oneself.
I hope we witness a world where poison, in all it's forms, is banished, where influence cannot be bought, sold, traded or stolen. I hope a new world comes forth where people stop killing each other and themselves; where no more children are born to less than ideal circumstances; where no one goes to sleep hungry, where no one wakes up in fear, where no one is abandoned, where no one is forgotten, where EVERYONE takes responsibility for themselves, their decisions, their deeds, their words, and their very thoughts.
I hope the very foundations of all that is Balance are wrought anew and all that is corrupt, all that is harmful, and all that is known as 'just the way it is' will be created anew and become the world that could be - if WE choose it, if WE dream it, WE dream it into reality.
So dream a new world into being. Go on. DO it. Dream into reality a world where what is wrong simply cannot survive, dream a world where no one is capable of lying to another, where no one is capable of taking from others. Dream, not peace, but possibility.
Dream HOPE back into the world. And maybe, just maybe, WE can dream the insanity that is what the world is today into nothing more than a bad dream, discarded, nonviable, and forever passed away.
Dream a new world into being. Set it in your mind, accept that it will be and dream it into reality. If EVERY person woke up on 12/22/12 recommitted to all these ideals...if EVERY person did that...it's possible. That world is possible. It starts with me. It starts with YOU. DREAM!!!!
Well, this Thanksgiving was epic! Normally we drive to Robb’s mom’s house in Morristown. A couple years ago we all met at his ex-wife Kelly’s house (Curtis and Zac’s Mom – the SANE one, not the inmate) and had an extended family Thanksgiving which was also nice.
This year, I decided to cook for everybody at my house. That started Monday. I did two pies, Apple and Cherry, my first. I also did my first cheesecake..a Pumpkin Cheesecake which turned out yummy. I did sugar snap peas, ginger glazed carrots, mashed potatoes with parsnips, my bread and some rolls, baked macaroni and cheese and a broccoli and cheese casserole. Oh yeah..and a twelve pound turkey and a ten pound ham. The fudge was also present.
We had Robb’s mom and Susan, Curtis and Jane and her brother John, Zac and of course G and T and myself. Ten people total. So it wasn’t a major thing, but it was enough to keep me busy all week. I managed to be ready with a couple hours to spare. Of course after I was done, the predictable migraine showed up..classic…just as soon as the stress is relieved BAM!!! But I tool some ibuprofen before, because I was expecting it and it wasn’t so bad. I had about an hour of not so bad pain but pretty severe nausea after eating. I haven’t eaten that much in I couldn’t tell you when.
After dinner a very large, boisterous poker game broke out. For a while, G was leading with the most chips but Jane wound up carrying the night, taking everyone’s money. I’m a watcher. I love watching groups interact. This was a wonderful opportunity to see both Robb and his sons completely at ease and having fun. It’s so good to see him get to participate in his son’s lives, ALL of his son’s lives. He said that the inmate called several times during the day, but because we weren’t paying attention to phones and things like that, no one knew. I’m glad. The boys didn’t need to be reminded that their lives were anything but normal today. My job has always been to make sure they have memories. NORMAL memories of holidays, good food, fun company, in an environment of safety and love.
As everyone was leaving, I collected hugs. To my astonishment, I got hugs from BOTH T AND G!!!! I had to go to the bathroom so they wouldn’t see me cry.
Yes, this Thanksgiving was epic -in more ways than food. I miss my daughter and grandkids, I miss my sister and nieces…but I also have my sons. FOUR of them. This will be a Thanksgiving I hold close for many years to come. It was made of WIN….oh…and pie, and fudge, and banana pudding and…..
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