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Musings of a Witch
Memoirs of a Magickal Life
April 7th, 2015 
Me FOS2009 by Kali

Part of me believes this, and then the other part of me wonders...how can one be committed if this is always in the back of their minds? That was the question pounded into my brain by the one who wanted total submission. So I let go of the Plan B and lost everything.  I don't know what lies ahead, but the fear about that is now my enemy.  I don't fear dying, but there are many varied ways of a long descent to death.  It makes other options way too attractive when the fear takes over.  I don't have a child that needs me to keep me going, day in day out, I can't externalize the reason for living.  It has to be for me.  I have to want it so badly that no other path is possible.  That's what's dead.  I don't want anything anymore.  It's fear based...you want something and think you have it and then it's gone. So to not feel the fear or the pain of loss, you just cease to want.  I know what's going on.  It's the absence of routine, the lack of any sort of control, the dependence on others ...all I ever wanted was to be of use, to be needed, to be important to someone, and what I've found is that is an illusion.  All I have ever had was me.  Now I lay that last weapon of self-deception aside and it's scary as hell.  I don't want to just exist, and I know I will survive no matter what happens..so that means that somewhere deep inside, I do WANT a life.  All it takes for self-preservation to kick in is to be truly threatened with an absolute end.  Out of that comes this strange sort of defiance.  Is all that really keeps me from giving up is that someone else wins?  Wins what exactly?  That seems to be the only thing I don't know for sure and the only thing that really depends on me.  So this question, and the curiosity about the answer, is what I have.  Guess I'll have to work with that.
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